It’s been a while since my last posting and a lot has happened since then. My last entry in Headspace was back in May, where I derived 10 take-aways from the conclusion of a relationship. I wanted to believe in those take-aways when I wrote them, but I wasn’t ready to fully accept them. As a result, I took another chance on that same relationship and it ended in the exact same way. Except this time, with a little more hurt, a lot more introspection, and a lot more complicated emotions that I’m trying to work through. In working through these emotions and personal issues, I’m very slowly starting to not only believe, but to also accept my own worth. I’m beginning to re-evaluate my decisions, my choices, and beginning to think a lot about issues pertaining to my own personal boundaries. A person can only handle so much. I can only handle so much. Enough is enough.

I’ve taken a lot of time (and will be taking a lot more time) to reflect on why I wanted things to work out so badly and why I wanted someone who treated me so poorly to be my partner. Objectively, this relationship was not something I should have wanted. But I loved him. And still probably do. But if one of my girlfriends were to tell me that they were being treated the way I was being treated in a relationship, then I’d tell them that they need to let go because they deserve so much better. Which begs the question of why do my girlfriends deserve better than me? Why do they deserve more than me? Why do I think I deserve so little from a partner, when I think others deserve the world? Did I stay in this relationship because that’s all I thought I deserved? I don’t know. I don’t know the answer to any of these questions. But I’ve been encouraged to start writing again to sort through all of these issues and hopefully arrive at a place with a little less fog, and a lot more clarity.

I’ve also taken some time (and will be taking a lot more time) to reflect on why it seems as though I’m two different people. There’s Kriss, the law student, who is focused, intelligent, driven, passionate, and unstoppable. And then there’s Kriss, who as of late, has felt like a hot mess. Why am I simultaneously two different people like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? Why am I willing to settle in one aspect of my life and not willing to settle in another? Why am I seemingly “put-together” in one area and completely fragmented and unsure and unsteady in other areas? This weird dichotomy of my two-selves is schizophrenic and I need to work on either reconciling these two people or letting one of them go because it’s giving me a headache and enough is enough.

Unsurprisingly, I think these two points of reflection are interrelated. I just haven’t figured out how yet. I think it might have something to do with personal boundaries. I really don’t know. All I know is that enough is enough. I’ve learned my limit on what I can and cannot tolerate, accept, and ignore. I need to figure out and re-evaluate how I view myself and how I can get to a place where I can understand my own self-worth and what I deserve through the eyes of my best friends and family. They always seem to see the best in me, even when they’ve seen the literal worst in me. Hopefully I’ll arrive at a place where I can position myself to wholeheartedly believe and truly accept those 10 take-aways - I just need to spend some time alone to get reacquainted with myself.