When it’s quiet, we can often hear things or notice things that we may have overlooked amidst the noise and distractions. When we focus our attention, we can hear things that don’t necessarily make a sound. We just need to listen.

Lately, I’ve been listening. I’ve been listening to what my instincts, my mind, and my intuition have all been trying to tell me for quite some time. I stopped listening for a number of months because I didn’t like what I was hearing. So I ignored it. But I’m not doing that anymore.

A big part of me always knew that things weren’t right. I didn’t like how I was being treated. I didn’t like how I was being seen. And I didn’t like how I was being used. Similarly, I didn’t like how I wasn’t valued. I didn’t like how I wasn’t respected. And I didn’t like how I wasn’t appreciated. But, another big part of me wanted to make things work so badly that I chose to continuously ignore all of the things I didn’t like, to sacrifice my worth and what I deserved, for the idea of a potential partnership that I was determined to make last. In ignoring all of the bad, I fell in love. This person was remarkable to me. I respected him. I valued him. I appreciated him. I loved him and I treated him the way I wanted to be treated. But maybe I shouldn’t have. Because if I really did treat him the way I wanted to be treated, then why am I having so much difficulty treating myself the exact same way now?

Probably because up until a few days ago, I still wasn’t listening. I still didn’t want to hear it. I still didn’t want to accept it. I still didn’t want to let it go. But I want to let it go now. I’m ready. And honestly, it’s time. So I started listening. Listening deeply and tuning into my heart centre has allowed me to contemplate the reality of that relationship. And of that person. I fell in love with his potential. His drive. His warmth. His resilience. His touch. And his spectacularly unique perspectives that always seemed to simultaneously complement and foil my own. He really was the yin to my yang. And as much as I had believed that we could honestly transform our differences into our strengths, we couldn’t. Well, that’s not true - we could have, if both of us had put forth equal efforts to try. But we didn’t. He didn’t.

I couldn’t do it alone. I tried to convince myself that I could because I desperately didn’t want to lose him, but I couldn’t. It wouldn’t have been fair to me to pull all of the weight in the relationship 100% of the time. That’s not how relationships work. And more to the point, that’s not how I want my relationship to work. I need my partner to respect me. I need my partner to value me. I need my partner to appreciate me. I need my partner to meet me halfway. I need my partner to see me as his equal. I need my partner to love me. More than all of that though, I want my partner to do all of those things because, upon listening, that’s what I’ve concluded that I deserve. And from this conclusion, I’m starting to rebuild my sense of self-respect and self-worth. Because I have a lot to bring to the table. I have a lot to offer. Unfortunately, I just offered it to someone who repeatedly said no to it. But that’s okay. It’s not my loss, it’s his.

Up until earlier this week, I used to dread the quiet. I used to hate being alone because I didn’t want to sit with my thoughts, as I was afraid of what I would hear. But after some therapy, some yoga, some hard-core meditation, and a busy week of non-stop work, I’m finding myself needing the quiet and needing to be alone. It’s instigated a lot of good and I can certainly use more of that in my life. I guess I just need to listen.