“Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are the rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts. I was better after I had cried, than before - more sorry, more aware of my own ingratitude, more gentle.”

I’ve been told that I “have a habit of setting myself up for bigger rejections than necessary”. And I do. I have high expectations for myself because I expect a lot from myself. I know what I am capable of doing and what I am capable of achieving. I’m not afraid to work hard - in fact, I often like the challenge. But, up until recently, I realized that I was afraid of was failure. I was afraid of disappointing people close to me. I was afraid of disappointing the people I respect. And I was afraid of disappointing myself.

Which is ironic because for the past two months, I’ve done nothing but be disappointed with myself. I was disappointed with the Toronto recruitment process. I was disappointed with my relationship. And I was really disappointed with how often I used to cry. Like, was I really that weak? What the hell happened? Why was I crying over things I had no control over? I grew frustrated with myself - particularly, with my perceived lack of progress in healing over something that third-party me knew was so stupid. I knew that these feelings of internal and personal disappointment were not healthy and were not conducive to my growth, so I sought help. And to be completely honest, I was thinking of seeking help back in the summer because I knew I probably needed it. Fortunately, the Law Society of Ontario offers free therapy to its members (which says a lot about the profession), and that includes law students. So, I finally decided to get brave and just do it. And it’s been pretty powerful in terms of encouraging introspection and forgiveness.

Because of therapy, I stopped being so disappointed with myself. I started to allow myself to let go of the things I was sad about because…why should I hold on to it? Sadness fucking sucks. And I needed to stop being so fucking sad, all the fucking time because it was frustrating and annoying and humiliating that I allowed someone to have so much power over me that they completely permeated and consumed all of my thoughts and feelings. These thoughts and this sadness were pervasive. And I knew I had to do something…anything, before they destroyed me.

In rebuilding my sense of self-respect and self-worth and actually setting up my emotional boundaries, I also re-adjusted my expectations. While I still expect a lot from myself and will continue to have these great expectations, despite becoming acutely aware of “this habit of setting myself up for bigger rejections than necessary”, I have learned to be okay with falling down every once in a while. The lesson in that isn’t rejection or failure; instead, the lesson in that is resilience and the ability to gently pick myself up after every disappointment I may experience. Because that’s what builds strength. That’s what builds character. And that’s what will make me better.

Reflecting back on these past two months on a day that was supposed to trigger me, has let me let go. It’s made me realize that crying didn’t make me weak - it made me human and it meant that I cared. It’s made me realize that someone or something may be all I want - but, simultaneously everything I don’t need. Finally, it made me realize that I am so over 2018 - and am so looking forward to starting 2019 with heightened clarity, real happiness, more balance, and greater expectations.

2019: time to shoot all the shots🏀💁🏽‍♀️💅🏽👑