Hindsight is 20/20. When we reflect on the past, we are usually able to identify moments - or even patterns - that we could have changed, and behaved or responded differently. In our present, it’s natural for us (or at least, for me) to wonder what would have happened if I didn’t do X or I didn’t say Y - would the outcome have been different? Would it have stayed the same? I don’t know. But the real question I should be asking myself is: does it really matter?

We can’t change the past. I can’t change how I behaved in my relationship. I can’t change how I acted; but, I can work towards reconciling my past with my present. The first step requires forgiveness. I don’t need an apology from him to forgive him, but I do need an apology to myself in order to forgive myself. So, here it goes…

• I said things that I shouldn’t haven’t said and they were insensitive. While I did apologize after the fact, I’m sure it doesn’t erase the impact it had on him. And for that, I am so, so sorry.

• I had difficulty understanding him. While I did try my best to understand, I failed. And for that, I am sorry.

• I tolerated a lot of things I shouldn’t have. And for that, I am sorry.

• I sacrificed my sense of self-respect and self-worth in order to keep the peace. And for that, I am sorry.

• I forgot what I deserved. And for that, I am sorry.

• I am continuously struggling with detachment. And for that, I am sorry.

• I neglected my interests, my wants, my needs. And for that, I am sorry.

I cannot properly detach if I haven’t practiced forgiveness first. So, in an effort to do that, I am forgiving myself for all of the things listed up there…and more. It’s okay to feel. It’s okay to make mistakes. It’s okay to…be human. It’s not okay to bottle up emotions. It’s not okay to repeat the same mistakes (because then you haven’t learned). It’s not okay to be a robot (humans have feelings!). And, I’m also choosing to forgive him because if I don’t, I’ll never be at peace.

We live in a culture of blame. We’re very quick to put the blame on others when it comes to failures and accept praise when it comes to successes. It would be very easy for me to embrace the role of the victim here. But I’m not going to do that. I refuse to fall into the trap of the victim mentality. That’s not how I grow. That’s not how I embody strength. And honestly, that’s not how I want to see myself. If I can accept responsibility for the role I played in sustaining this relationship, then I can also accept responsibility for the part I played in the demise of it. End of story.

Yes, things could have gone differently if I did X, Y, or Z. And yes, things could have gone differently if he did A, B, or C. But those alternatives didn’t happen, so here we are. I can’t control what he does or what he thinks, and I don’t want to. I can control what I do and what I think. And that’s all that really matters. I forgive him; but, more importantly, I forgive me. And that’s strength.