recalibrate.

There's this meme I love that says, “God will ruin your plans before they ruin your life” and honestly, amen to thatttt.

These past few months have been go-go-go. I haven't had time – rather, I haven't done a very good job at finding the time – to do things for myself (i.e. write or go to yoga). Busy finding balance for real.

In creating the time and space to turn my attention inward, I'm finding I'm in desperate need of some recalibration. I have been so focused on the moot, Refugee Night, readings, and catching up with friends that I forgot to catch up with myself. Returning to my mat and returning to writing really accomplishes the much needed soul work that I've been missing this year.

I have a lot to be grateful for. My moot was a complete success with both of my teams going to the semi-finals (and facing each other no less!) and one of my teams going to the finals, AND with my superstar Mooter winning best oralist and best overall Mooter. The research I conducted with an all-star telecom team in the summer directly inspired some important policy changes to the sales practices of telecom companies. Refugee Night was another huge success. And, I got a job somewhere that is perfect for me. Hard work really does pay off.

While all of the above are fantastic accomplishments that I am certainly proud of, I am most grateful for all of the incredible and life-changing relationships I've made along the way. Truly, the best part about all of those things are the people I am privileged to have gotten to know so well to be able to call them my good friends. They've become a new kind of support system I didn't think I needed and have individually changed my life for the better.

Last year, I wrote a lot about a broken relationship. I wrote a lot about the messy process of letting go and all of the confusing difficulties associated with that. Through writing and intensive introspection, I was able heal. This year, I will be writing about a repaired and reinvigorated relationship – with myself. I will write a lot about the cleansing process of recalibration and the inspiring simplicities associated with it. Through writing and intensive gratitude, I will be able to grow.

I do hate clichés and overused sayings, but in my experience, there is some truth to the adage, “sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can come together”. It needed to end in order for me to openly receive and fully appreciate who I have in my life right now…and whoever may be on their way. Right now, I am just beyond thankful for where I am, what I have, and where I'm going.

gratitude.

He had a beautiful view of the Toronto skyline. Despite the bright lights from the city, you could always see the stars from his balcony. Star-gazing was one my favourite things to do with him. Contrary to what the little voice inside of me was saying, whenever I'd see the big dipper, I'd feel grounded. Like I knew where I was. Like I knew where I was going. Like I knew that this was constant. Like I knew this was real. Because it was.

It was so real that it changed the tune of my little voice inside. But maybe it was just real to me - which begs the question of whether it was real at all. I want to say it was, but who knows?

Either way, for the first time in a very long time I woke up feeling lighter. Better. And even though I'm in the middle of exam season, I woke up feeling grateful. I haven't felt that way in a long while.

This past month and a half, I intentionally withdrew myself from social spaces that weren't conducive to my personal growth. At the same time, I intentionally started spending a lot of time with people who are great for my mental health. And I honestly have no idea how I would have gotten through this without them. They vehemently discouraged my 'bouts of self-doubt, made time for me when I needed to talk, comforted me when I cried uncontrollably, made me laugh to forget, brought me cake to cheer me up, and just honestly, held my hand throughout this growing process. They never let me forget that they were there and they never let me forget how resilient I am. They always encouraged me to be better and they are always so incredibly patient with me and all my crazy (especially since I'm going through a phase where I'm obsessed with astrology - LS, I know you hate it but thank-you for putting up with it). It's true what they say that “behind every woman is a group of strong women who have her back”. I know this because these women, who I am lucky enough to call my best friends, have become my backbone. Without them, I wouldn't have come as far as I have in this dreadful letting go process and wouldn't have been able to recalibrate my sense of self-love and self-respect.

LT and AT - you women amaze me. You are both so unbelievably strong, compassionate, and literally the most accommodating people I've ever met. Thank-you for always being there and for keeping me positive about life.

LS - just as you'll never get behind my interest in astrology, I'll never understand your rationale behind your weekly pants rotation. Thank-you for being my co-dependant, yoga, study, and beer buddy - and for like a million other things, including keeping me focused on school!

DG - I love you. You inspire me daily and words cannot express how much I appreciate having your kindness, love, and good energy around me…like all the time. Thank-you for partaking in boujee sage adventures with me, always saying yes to my ridiculous ideas, and for introducing me to the wonderful world of 90 Day Fiancé - and for everything you do for me and for keeping me ever-positive about love.

It is a blessing to have all of you in my life. You ladies fill my heart with so much gratitude, laughter, and love that I know that y'all are the reasons I woke up this morning feeling grateful, happy, and…better. And because of all of you, now every time I look up at the stars and see the big dipper, I'll know that I am grounded. I do know where I'm going. And I do know that love is constant because it lives inside of all of you - and thanks to all of you, it lives inside of me too❤️.

detach.

Detachment is a series of decisions. The difficulty in detachment is the fear of losing something or someone you love for good. It’s scary. It’s sad. But, sometimes we need to be brave. Full stop.

It’s been a month. While I sometimes feel as though I’ve made little progress in this healing journey, I’m not sure that’s entirely true. I think I’ve come a long way since then. I mean, it’s been tough and I’ve fallen victim to social media stalking more than I care to admit, but generally speaking, I think I’m doing okay. Or at least, I’m getting there.

I think the most difficult thing that I’m struggling with is not being able to put an end to my thoughts around him. I keep concerning myself with him - how he’s doing, if he’s okay, if he still hates me - and I really want to stop doing that. I don’t need to be thinking about any of this anymore. I need to declutter my headspace and get rid of lingering thoughts about him because the more I let myself engage with these kinds of thoughts, the more anxiety I get. And honestly, ain’t nobody got time for that either. So today, I made the decision to detach. While difficult, I need myself to be brave right now. To be strong. And to be better. Because what he does or doesn’t do, how he feels or doesn’t feel, what he thinks or doesn’t think of me really doesn’t matter and no longer have any relevance in my life. So, why bother?

What does matter is me. I’m responsible for my actions. I’m responsible for my behaviours. I’m responsible for my thoughts. I’m within my own control. And that’s what I need to be focusing on right now - myself. Earlier today, I bought a stick of white sage and a quartz and rose quartz healing crystal (shutup, I’m into this shit now, get over it) and excitedly rushed home from school to sage my apartment…and to be completely honest, to sage myself. I wanted to cleanse my space and myself from all of the negative energies that I had accumulated over the past year and to create the space for better energies (and better things!). But once I got home, I got nervous. Almost like, I was scared to do it because it would mean getting rid of him and the hope of a potential apology. But I knew this was something I had to do. Part of detaching from someone or something you love involves detaching from any lingering hope you may have that they might see things your way. But he’s never going to see things how I saw things.

That was part of our problem. He’s never going to see how his indecision hurt me. He’s never going to see how his behaviour tremendously affected me. He’s never going to see how him telling me he wasn’t happy with how things were going between us, but didn’t have time to talk about it - how that literally brought me to my knees in tears. He’s never going to see how much it hurt me to be told to cancel my train because he didn’t want to see me. He’s never going to get how much it killed me to consistently be shot down, over and over again. He’s never going to know I felt when he told me to leave his apartment in the middle of the night. He’s never going to understand how hard I tried and how much I fought to keep him. He’s never going to understand, despite all of that, how much he meant to me. It was real to me. It was never a test.

I can’t make him see things my way, but I can stop concerning myself with him. Detachment is a series of decisions. It is a process. And in order to re-discover my balance, my re-alignment, and my heart centre, I need to continue to practice it. In every decision I make to detach, I’m re-affirming that while I may still love him, I love myself more, and respect myself enough to confidently let that shit go.