In yoga, we are told to "inhale the good and exhale what no longer serves you". Repetition of this process encourages the process of letting go and facilitates growth. Sometimes, I think I need more help in this process than I'd like to admit.
I've been struggling to find a balance between not caring and caring and when to resist, when to acknowledge, and when to feel and it's been driving my crazy. It's hard. Dealing with feelings and emotions can be overwhelming, especially when I am constantly sitting with the temptation to check social media. I tried to be kind, I made myself vulnerable, I put myself out there and got nothing in return. I decided that enough is enough and I that I had a choice: I could either continue pretending that shit doesn't bother me when it clearly does (I don't need to see you flexing the fact that you have someone new) or I could just say fuck it and do what's best for me and just block and delete everything. I chose the latter; and, in doing so, I chose myself.
At first, I was hesitant to block and delete because I didn't want the person thinking that they "won" (whatever tf that even means). I thought that blocking/deleting would be misconstrued as "petty" or "childish" or whatever...but honestly, who tf cares about any of that? I am going to do what's best for me and eliminate everything that doesn't help me evolve or grow. Keeping someone on social media to keep tabs on them, to make sure they know that you're good, or whatever kind of front we try to put out there is all just stupid. It's too much. It's fucking toxic. And I don't need to voluntarily expose myself to that kind of hurt while I'm trying to heal myself and move on. Letting go is already difficult as it is - I don't need to be concerning myself with irrelevant people, things, and situations that literally have no impact on my life unless I let it. And I'm done letting it impact me. I need to get rid of everything and everyone holding me back from accepting all of the good that's begun to come my way. That said, I blocked and deleted everything because I grew tired of being consumed in thoughts about the behaviours and actions of another and I knew it would be best for me and my personal peace to just let dead weight go. I choose me. And I feel relieved and and I feel free.
Though, to be completely candid, I don't always feel relieved or free - it's been tough. Waves of shitty emotions come and go, as do waves of good feelings. I've had better days and I'm sure that I'll have more of those not so great days ahead, but those days will pass. There is too much good ahead of me and currently in front of me stay sad or angry for too long. I've been trying to pinpoint the exact time of when I fully let go of my last relationship so I could possibly gauge how long it would take me this time around; but, I'm starting to think that life and love doesn't work that way. Different times, different people, even a different me - the past doesn't always repeat itself in the same way because context matters. Back then, I was so broken, so damaged, and so shattered because it felt as though my whole world had collapsed. It took me a long time to let that shit go, not because of the length and depth of the relationship, but because I had to deal with more personal demons than I do now. I had to build the kind of person I wanted to become and then I had to dedicate the time to grow into that person. When that relationship happened, I was uncertain about myself and that's why I lost myself in it. I let someone else assume control of my life because I thought that's what love was. And maybe, as a result of my lack of sense of self, I was the toxic person in that relationship. This time is different. This time, it wasn't me.
I invested a lot of time into the person I am becoming today and the universe responded to my broken, hurt, and devastated self (who needed to get picked up off the bathroom floor by her parents), in bigger, better, and unimaginable ways. Now, I'm living my dream. I'm a law student at my dream school. I'm employed (x2) and working in a neighbourhood that I've been dreaming about since high school. I'm writing articles for a criminal defence firm - a field of law that I am clearly passionate about - geared towards laypeople to help mediate the access to justice problem. I have the most supportive family and friends (though really, what's the difference at this point?) that never let me forget how loved I am and never allow me to lose sight of how much better off I am without someone who would inevitably hold me back. I made all of this happen for myself, I created all of this good, and it's about time that I start positioning myself in a way where I can begin to appreciate just how good I have it. Blocking and deleting someone that only ever hurt me and made me question my own worth was a necessary first step in my never-ending journey of finding balance.
Final 10 takeaways from this chapter of my life as I begin to write my new one?
It was never me. It was always the other person.
It was a lesson in what I do and do not deserve from a partner. I've worked too hard on myself to let all of that good go to waste on someone who didn't deserve me. Instead, I'll keep that good to myself and only offer it to those who deserve it.
Just because I want something, doesn't mean I need it. Relationships are a two-way street and they are meant to add value to my life, not make me constantly question where I stand and whether or not I'm good enough (because lol honestly, ew. Fuuuuuck that).
I can't 'fix' people, no matter how badly I want to. People need to come into things on their own terms and in their own time (myself included).
I need to do whatever I need to do to heal and find balance - if that means blocking and deleting, then so be it - and I don't need to concern myself with how it appears to others - because really, who gives a shit?
I've finally discovered what I deserve and need to remember that for the next time.
In the words of Ms. Lauryn Hill, "respect is just a minimum" - it needs to be compounded with equality and reciprocity.
I shouldn't need to convince someone to be with me - that's stupid. If they can't see me for what I think makes me valuable, then boy byeee.
Healing takes time. It's full of waves of shitty emotions and empowering ones - ride the good ones and flow with the shitty ones - they'll pass and eventually flow into the good waves.
My support system has expanded to include a handful of special people that I'm lucky to have met in law school - Daniella, LT, NN, LS, ZH, BW, AO, I'm lookin' at you - and my OG support system of family, and friends who have become family, never fail to amaze me with their overwhelming love. Thank-you guys so much for listening to me vent, calling me out when I'm being a little bitch, making me laugh through my own tears, and for your constant words of encouragement and pure daily love. I love you guys beyond expression and thank-you so much for never letting me forget how loved I am by all of you. I'm so grateful and so hashtag blessed to have all of you wonderful people in my life and I'm sorry I've been such a bitchy baby this past month. So, you know, thanks for putting up with my neurosis - I'm stronger now than I was then and it's because of all of you!!
It's time for me to literally and metaphorically inhale the good and exhale what no longer serves me. With this chapter done and with so many better ones to be written, I'm finally looking forward to creating even more space for even better things. And I can't fucking wait! :-)
