In November 2016, I wrote about Puzzles and Epiphanies. I talked about how I made some big decisions regarding where to prioritize my energy and talked about how things need to naturally come together without forcing things that just won't fit, no matter how badly you want it to.
While much has changed since that post (including a whole new website!), I find myself struggling to piece together parts of my puzzle that just don't seem to fit. And it sucks. But maybe, I just need a new puzzle again.
Let's recap my life events since that post:
I unapologetically started focusing on what was best for me and started my process of becoming and bettering by doing more and more yoga - you can read more about that here.
Just a few months into my whole 'new year, new me' attitude, I got my first law school acceptance - with a scholarship! There were really no words to describe how I felt about that moment, other than proud. Proud of me for doing me and accomplishing a big portion of my puzzle.
A few months after that, I got into my dream law school. While I was obviously ecstatic about that, I knew that I had some very big decisions to make - if not, the biggest and most impactful decision of my life. That cloud kind of put a damper on my excitement; but, once I visited both campuses, I knew that Ottawa was the place I was meant to be. I wasn't wrong.
A few months after that, my wonderful family moved me to Ottawa and I began my first year of law school.
Even though I was terrified that I wouldn't make any new friends (I was quite content with the friends I had tbh), I was introduced to a whole new pool of brilliant minds and made some of my best and most supportive friends that I know I will cherish throughout the rest of my life. Literally, they became my lifeline and law fam throughout 1L and I doubt that I would have been able to survive 1L without them.
I joined the Canadian Association for Refugee Lawyers (CARL) - uOttawa Chapter with my little babe, LS, and somehow ended up co-chairing one of CARL's biggest events of the year - Refugee Night. That was probably one of the best things I did (if not the best) during my first year of law school.
I continued to meditate and practice yoga - and started spinning! - as often as I could during 1L in order to keep myself sane from all of the crazy amount of work (as well as try my best to maintain somewhat of a social life, even though I spent most nights at home reading case law and binge watching Netflix).
I did surprisingly well on my midterms and realized that maybe, just maybe, 1L wasn't all that bad.
I wrote my finals and realized that I could be horribly wrong about the above...we'll see though.
I got one of my research papers that I had written during my MA published in the University of Victoria Graduate Student Anthropology Journal - that was a pretty cool reminder of how I got here in the first place.
I sat in on a JPT with my super awesome mentor.
I did two solo-court appearances on behalf of said mentor and spoke words in front of a judge and was called counsel and everything!!
I survived the multiple mini-mental breakdowns I had that occurred more than once in November and March with the help of my newly minted articling student BFF-extraordinaire, MB.
I discovered new areas of law that I'm interested in that I never thought I'd ever be, with the encouragement of some amazing professors.
I finished my first year of law school!!
A lot has happened in just over a year. It's kind of crazy to think about how much I have accomplished in such a short period of time. It's even crazier to think about how much I've simultaneously grown and not grown throughout that time. And that's a harsh reality that I am currently coming to terms with.
2017 was a year where I completely focused on myself. I intentionally created my own happiness and realized more about myself this year, than I had in the past 25 years (man, I'm old!). I felt as though I found my balance - which is, of course something I can only say in retrospect. 2018 on the other hand, was a little different. I began opening up to the idea that I was finally in a good place within myself that I thought I could be open to the idea of being with another person again. I knew that after my last relationship, I did not want to be in another - for fear of losing myself and all the good I created - for a long, long time. I was protective over my feelings and very selective with whom I spent my time. I never liked the idea of jumping into a new relationship once one ended - that just really ain't my style. Being open with someone, being vulnerable with someone, and letting another person in after you've been so brutally damaged is a terrifying idea for me. I remember how heartbroken I was when my last relationship ended and how worthless I felt, and how I worked so hard to get right within, that I really did not ever want to feel that broken and lost again. I never wanted to put myself in a situation where I was at risk of becoming that emotionally and mentally shattered. As much as I didn't want any of that to happen, it sort of almost did. I'm upset with myself for forgetting that I matter - if not to the other person, then to myself. I'm proud of who I am, who I have become, and who I am becoming and I shouldn't put myself in the position where my worth is ever in question. That's silly. So, as disappointed with myself as I might be, I'm kind of proud of myself for 1) realizing that I'm human and make mistakes that cause me to fall out of balance every once in a while; 2) being finally able to open up to the idea that I could possibly be in a relationship again; and 3) reconciling my past with my present and coming to the realization that whatever feelings I may be experiencing at this moment - however uncomfortable - are okay. This is just a reminder that I'm still growing and that's kind of beautiful, in a messed up, uncertain way.
While my summer is not going according to what was originally planned, I am reminded on the reg by my incredible support system that I have so much to celebrate and so much to look forward to that it's silly to be sad about plans going awry. But, I have a thing about revisiting things that once caused me pain (I might be some sort of masochist, who knows) because I'm a firm believer that revisiting does not equate reliving. I'm not reliving the past, I'm just revisiting it - to document my growth, to see how my perspectives have changed, and to just...feel. However, my support system is right in that I do have a lot to celebrate (hello, see above 15 things) and to look forward to and starting a new job and keeping this blog dope are some of them! I should know by now that I can plan shit as much as I want, but the universe always has something bigger and better in store. My entire adult life is testament to that and I don't know why I thought I could trick the universe this time around; but clearly, I was wrong. And that's okay. For now, I'm going to just feel whatever comes up and flow with it until it subsides, no matter how shitty the feeling may be. I can't be afraid to let myself feel things because, well again, I'm human and that's what we do. Eventually, I'll come back into balance, and I might be closer to it than I think.