Growing up, I never had dreams of getting married. I never had dreams of wearing a ridiculous poofy white dress with a veil covering my face (what's the point of that even?). I never had a "dream" guy (though I do now, Donald Glover hmu!) And I never dreamed of my dad walking me down the aisle.
Growing up, I had dreams of becoming a doctor (since I was already a princess). I had dreams of opening up my own practice and helping my patients however I could. I had dreams of working at the hospital and getting paged in the middle of the night because I was usually on-call. And throughout these dreams, it was always just me. No one else.
As a "grown up", I'm neither married, nor a doctor. Not even close to either of these things. And honestly, I'm good with that. My dreams of becoming a doctor never fit my puzzle of reality - it just was not meant for me. When I had to make the decision to choose between medicine and law, I chose what I knew was best for me - even though it left nearly everyone in my life super perplexed. It took a few years to come to the realization that law was what aligned all of my passions and medicine was something best left to the "nicer" Anor (my sister). So, here I am - a law student. A driven, ambitious, and independent, young feminist who, contrary to recent events, is actually a very strong woman. I'm pretty badass when I want to be and I can't ever let myself forget that (not that my wonderful friends and family would ever actually let me forget that).
While these are some qualities that make me feel valuable, I'm beginning to think that not everyone sees these qualities as inherently good. And when I say "not everyone", I mean men. I've often heard men say that they want a strong and independent woman. I've often heard men say they like sass and they want a woman who knows what they want. I've heard men call themselves feminists. I've heard a lot of things from men, but honestly, my experience with men has taught me the opposite of all these things. They want to be able to say that they want a strong and independent woman (because societal narratives say that's "in" now), but once they have us, they don't know what to do with us. Suddenly, we become "too much" and then they start claiming that we expect "too much". They want to be able to say they like sass and they want a woman who knows exactly what she wants (again, consistent with what is "in" rn), until we vocalize it and it's contrary to what they want and/or are willing to give us. Or they feel disrespected because we opined our thoughts about something they said. Suddenly, our decisiveness and our sass are again, "too much" because it directly contradicts their indecision, their mental/emotional instability, and their insecurity. How dare we have opinions, amiright? How dare we be the voice of logic and reason? Don't we know that's their job and we're supposed to be the hyper-indecisive, wishy-washy, mentally and emotionally unstable ones? The division of emotional labour is still very much a live issue in relationships in 2018; what's lacking is, unsurprisingly, reciprocity and equality. Enter third-wave feminism.
At it's core, feminism is about equality. Equal rights and equal opportunities are the pretty much the basic tenets of feminism. Very briefly, the third wave of feminism is a cultural movement that empowered all women and redefined women as assertive and in control of their own bodies and sexuality (the law played an interesting role in this cultural movement with R.v. Morgentaler and other big cases, but that's a discussion for another day). Women began to own their sexuality (rightly so) and have been making conscious efforts to subvert patriarchy and to get rid of misogynistic undertones in Canadian society. But there's still a lot more hard work ahead of us. Feminism is not sexy (contrary to how men perceive this third wave of feminism to be). Feminism is not simply posting boudoir photos on your Instagram page. Feminism is not simply about showing the world how beautiful you are (and you are beautiful) by posting half-naked photos of yourself on social media. Feminism is not simply about wearing a tight tank top with the word "feminist" slapped across your chest. That type of "cupcake" feminism is sexy and is likely why it is found appealing to men (not that feminism ought or ought not to be appealing to men, really, who cares). But that's only a portion of what feminism actually is. In reality, feminism is very un-sexy. It is hard work. It requires an all too literal combination of blood, sweat, and tears. The fight for equality is a fight that will not be won by simply endorsing a version of "cupcake" feminism, when women - especially women of colour - continue to be overlooked for opportunities for professional advancement. The fight for gender equality in a misogynistic, patriarchal, and colonized society is a continuing uphill battle where women are consistently viewed as the "Other", the "submissive", the "docile", the "weak", the "vulnerable", the "crazy", the "bitch", and the list goes on.
For centuries, men needed women to be viewed in this way. The ego - nvm male ego - is a particularly fragile phenomenon; it is constantly in search of validation and praise (which has only heightened in today's use of social media). Men needed to be the breadwinners. Men needed to be the providers. Men needed to be the decision-makers. Men needed their juxtaposition to be inferior and subordinate (also, that's literally what women were - a mere juxtaposition for comparison). As much as we have begun to see the subversion of these archaic ideals and as much as men claim they're all for feminism, us young feminists - male and female alike - still have a long way to go. Because, let me tell you: my experience with men is that they're not really feminists, in the same way I'm not really into that whole hippie, green, vegan, yogic lifestyle (I like showers, deodorant, and beer). Based on personal experience and experiences of my fellow female besties, it seems as though men subscribe to the type of feminism that benefits them - i.e. cupcake feminism via social media. I want to make it clear that I am not poking fun or judging women who post sexy/suggestive selfies on social media - absolutely not. For me to do that does not empower women in any way; if anything, it supports patriarchal structures of "slut-shaming" women. You do you, bb girl. All the more power to you! What I am saying, however, is that feminism goes far beyond your selfies. Yes, it is incredibly important to empower yourself - I mean, duh, that's kind of the rationale behind this blog - but realize that the fight for equality requires much more intensive action, advocacy, and hard work to continue to shatter glass ceilings for all women because the future is female. It's yours. It's mine. It's ours.
I want the same opportunities as my white and POC male counterparts to be made available to me. These social constructions of race, gender, sexuality, etc. should not have any bearing on my ability to be afforded those same opportunities. Moreover, my biology should not have any bearing on my ability to be afforded those same opportunities. I don't want to be asked "what will happen when you have kids?" in my interviews. I don't want to be asked "where are you really from?" in my interviews. I don't want to be asked "are you thinking of having a family one day?" in my interviews. I don't want to be asked "what happens when you get married?" in my interviews. But the harsh reality is that I will be asked those kinds of questions. And that's the reality that feminists and female POCs face in the workplace. And that is exactly why law needs feminism; wait, let me correct myself - that is exactly why law needs intersectional feminism. #LawNeedsINTERSECTIONALFeminismBecause law needs more people who look like me. #LawNeedsINTERSECTIONALFeminismBecause the world needs more ROLE models and less Instagram models. #LawNeedsINTERSECTIONALFeminismBecause female diversity strengthens, not weakens, the profession. And this is why the law needs me. I am a strong, independent, and fearless woman who is not afraid to say what is on her mind and piss off old white men. My goal is to create a more balanced legal profession by utilizing intersectional feminism as a force to see equity, equality, and reciprocity through to active fruition within the profession. And that angers the "old boys club", but that's just too bad. Opportunities should not be rationed or allocated according to random social constructs.
I never thought about getting married or having kids, really ever. The only time I thought about it was in my last relationship, where had it not ended, I probably would be a wife with kids right now (ew). But I wasn't myself in that relationship; in fact, I lost myself in that relationship. Truthfully, I always thought that, that part of my life would figure it out on it's own, once I was done accomplishing what I had wanted to do. However, as I grow, so do my goals. My reality is that I am never going to feel "done" - I'm always going to want more. More of what is the question - relationship? Kids? Family? Degrees? Definitely the last one, maybe the first few - either way, I'm always going to want to have the opportunity to decide which of "more" or what parts of "all" I want. And I refuse to be told that what I want, what I feel, and what I am equally deserving of is "too much".
PSA to all the men who read this far, feminist or not: When dealing with a strong, independent, and decisive woman, don't under appreciate and misunderstand the values of reciprocity and equality. If we're asking it from you, you're getting it from us. Shit goes both ways, always. Don't seek out a partner when all you want is someone to stroke your ego - that's not how either of you grow. And finally, check yourselves because we're never "too much" - maybe you're just "not enough".
Also, in the super off-chance that Donald Glover is reading this: I've loved you forever and I know you're high-key into Filipina girls, so... come thru fam🔥🔥
