Today would have been her 29th birthday. I would have woken up, sent her an early morning birthday text, proceed to spam everyone’s IG with pictures of her and I, call her to scream HAPPY BIRTHDAY in her ear (likely waking her up), and tell her how excited I was to see her later on videochat. Instead, I woke up, sort of spammed people’s IG with a photo of her, and sent another close friend of Kae’s (and now mine!) a text saying:
“Hey girl. Thinking of you today on Kae’s 29th. Love you. Here to chat if you need.”
Both her and I shared very special, serendipitous friendships with Kae. We had known Kae for years and I think it’s safe to say that Kae very quickly became like family to us. In fact, our friendships with Kae are so meaningful that both of us have one tattoo that represents that friendship with her. That loss that we suffered. That incredibly, significant, and abrupt loss. She was taken from us too soon. She transitioned from earth angel to guardian angel too soon. She left too soon. But, just because she’s no longer here on earth with us, doesn’t mean that her blessing and her presence isn’t still deeply felt by everyone that had the privilege of even meeting her.
Kae was an incredible and inspiring young woman. It was a privilege to merely be in her presence. It was a privilege to have been considered her best friend. It was a privilege to have known her gentle, kind, loving, and nurturing soul. She used to pick me up in her car, “Sammy”, blasting Mariah Carey and Beyoncé, making fun of my Bieber fever (which hasn’t gone away, btw). She was always so happy, always singing, and always saw the good in everything. Her smile and laugh and just overall energy was contagious. In fact, it was more contagious than COVID! Just seeing her made me light up. She was a pure blessing.
There are many times in life where I wish I could pick up the phone and call her or text her to tell her what’s going on in my life. While I can’t do that anymore, I know that she knows. I know that heaven must be lit AF right now because she’s in it. I know that she watches over me everyday. I know that she’s always smiling at me, even in times where I have found it difficult to smile. I’m okay with fumbling and falling down and feeling weak every so often because I know my girl’s got my back. Her love’s on top, sending me strength, laughter, and love to get me through difficult periods. In fact, with everything that happened, I think she knew I needed peace. So today, on her special day, that’s exactly what she gave me straight from heaven. And to be honest, that’s exactly what she would have given me if she was still here with me on earth.
I woke up feeling lighter, happier, content, and just so at peace with myself. I felt like I could finally exhale and see the tremendous beauty in life. Because life is beautiful, flaws and all. And I think I was just too deep inside my own head to realize that my heart didn’t want this anymore. Despite yesterday morning’s anxiety and mini-mental breakdown, I felt relieved and restored and genuinely grateful that I shut the door; which, was probably a sign that it needed to be done. I went to bed happy for the first time in a long time. And today, I feel excited to move on because it feels really damn good and it feels really damn good to be happy again.
I learned a lot of lessons in those two months. One being I let people in too fuckin’ easily sometimes because I foolishly fall for words and potential. For the next time, I will make sure to take my time and won’t call just anyone my partner because that title needs to be earned, not assumed. I also learned the way I want to and deserve to be treated by someone. I learned that “the one” will never leave me and will never be okay with the idea of losing me. I learned that a relationship really is black and white: either you want to be with the person or you don’t; there is no grey. If you’re questioning it, you want out. I’ve always hated indecision and inconsistency. I learned the qualities I want in a partner and I’ve learned a lot more about what I do not want in a partner. I learned the difference between listening to people tell me who they are and watching people show me who they are. I learned that I have unresolved trust issues. I learned that I am naive in relationships. I re-learned that people will often project their own insecurities on to you when they get triggered by you asserting your own boundaries, so I shouldn’t take their shit personally (or really, at all). I learned that no matter how much I want to be there for someone, love someone, support someone, encourage someone, and stay loyal to someone, people won’t always want me to do that. And that’s cool. Because the most meaningful thing I learned throughout these past few months is that I have a lot of people in my life who do want me to do all of those things for them, who appreciate and value what I have to offer, and who support me and love me no questions asked. And I’m lucky.
Losing Kae taught me that life is way too fucking short and way too fucking precious to waste on irrelevance. She taught me to value the people in my life; to be grateful to those that stay and to be grateful to those that choose to leave—they are often doing you a favour. She taught me to concentrate on what I have instead of focusing on what I lost. She taught me to love hard, appreciate people for who they are, and to live passionately. Because time is precious. Because life is precious. And neither should ever be wasted. You never know when you will lose someone. You never know when someone you love will be taken away from you. You never really know what you’ve lost ‘till it’s gone. And by then, it’s often too late. That said, I promise to live my life everyday from now on ensuring that the people I choose to keep close—my people—know how much they mean to me, know how much I value them, know how much I love them, know how much I am grateful for them, and know how blessed I feel to have them in my life. And by my side. Because life is too short and too precious to hold on to anger, resentment, or sadness, I wish no ill to anyone, ever and genuinely hope that life grants them with everything they wish for and I hope that they find happiness and peace in whatever they may end up doing or not doing. I forgive him for hurting me and for making me feel used, taken for granted, and everything else I felt once upon a time that’s not worth rehashing. I also forgive myself for believing words, empty promises, and for rushing into and forcing something that I knew, deep down, was never right. I also accept responsibility for whatever role I played in the demise of the relationship and forgive myself for that too. And now that I have forgiven, I’d really like to forget. Because there’s no point in focusing on what was lost, especially when there is so much more to gain.
Thank-you Kae, for gifting me all this much needed peace and for giving me the strength to finally let him go so that I could create the space for better things, better people, and better love. Happy birthday baby girl. I miss you, everyday. Thank-you for always watching over me and for being my guardian angel. I love you so much, always.
